How many of us have been hurt and disrespected so deeply that we feel we can’t ever forgive that person? When you’ve experienced hurt or someone has been cruel to you, finding forgiveness can be difficult and even feel impossible at times.
Most of the time I am far too forgiving, frequently to my own detriment. But there are also times when the hurt has been too deep or the offense repeated too many times that I find myself struggling with releasing the pain, releasing the anger, and finding it in me to forgive yet again. But yet I also know that holding onto all of those negative feelings is not what is best for me either.
It’s easy to tell someone to forgive someone else but sometimes it’s the hardest thing to actually do, especially if the offense has been so very painful, or considered an unforgivable offense, or you have already forgiven that person multiple times for the same offense or slight variations of the same offense and it never changes.
But what I am learning and trying to focus on is that sometimes it helps to change your perspective on the reason why you need to forgive. Forgiveness is not for them, it’s for YOU. It’s so you can lift the heavy weight off of your shoulders and your heart and let go of the anger, pain, sense of betrayal, and whatever other negative things you are feeling because of it and move forward to a more peaceful life. If you don’t allow yourself to move past what happened, what was said, what was felt, what someone else did, you will look at your present and future through the same dirty lens. And besides that, when you’re holding onto anger and animosity it can be extremely exhausting. It can eat you alive trying to figure out and understand why some people do the things they do or being angry because of their behavior. It’s not healthy for you to hold onto it.
Does forgiveness mean tolerating or continuing to accept what keeps hurting you? Absolutely not! Again, forgiveness is for you. It’s so you can stop suffering because of what other people have done. It’s a step towards healing and moving forward. It’s getting rid of bitterness and resentment so it doesn’t turn you into someone you’re not meant to be.
And also, finding it within yourself to forgive someone doesn’t mean that the offense didn’t happen to that you’re freeing them from the consequences of their actions. It means releasing yourself from the grasp of something that keeps you stuck in the past. It’s freeing up that energy used to hold that grudge and placing it on something that serves you. It means helping to free yourself from the pain, trauma, and suffering that happened to you. It’s not about accepting or excusing their behavior. It’s about letting it go and preventing their behavior from causing you further harm. It’s about not carrying the negativity forward. It’s about being able to release the pain even without an apology because some people will never apologize or never look inward to find their own faults. That’s their problem. If you continue to hold onto the hurt you will never truly have peace within yourself.
Finding forgiveness for someone else also doesn’t mean you are forgetting or that you have to allow that person back into your life. It means they no longer hold you captive, that you are moving forward, and you never have to allow them access to your life again if you choose not to. Forgiveness sets you free but it absolutely does not mean that you need to place yourself in front of that bus to be mowed down again. Forgive the person and move on without them in your life if that’s what is best for you. Just don’t put yourself back in a position where you are repeatedly damaged or harmed.
Forgiveness is vital for your own inner peace. So do what you need to do for you. Remove people from your life as you see fit and work on trying to forgive whenever necessary so that you can have the inner peace you need and deserve. Even if you feel that they don’t deserve it, do it for you so that you can reach the healing you need to let go and move on to a happier and better future.
