You can’t make people be who you want or need them to be. You have to allow people to be who they are, accept them for who they are, then figure out where, if anywhere, they fit in your life. You also have to accept that sometimes people can’t give you exactly what you need or respond to you or a situation like you think they should. Sometimes it’s not because they don’t care but simply because they can’t, whether it’s a lack of understanding, or a lack of ability due to where they are in life and their own healing, or a multitude of other reasons.
We all have a story, a past, especially if we’re older. And for some people a lot of that past has been traumatic. People who go through continuous trauma live in “fight or flight mode” or “survival mode” for long periods of time and they develop defense mechanisms that helped them survive. One of the problems with this is that while it may have helped them survive at the time these ways of living and these defense mechanisms become so ingrained in some people that it becomes a permanent lifestyle.
Some people have lived this way for so long that they don’t even know that they are still living that way. Or they may be aware of it but have been so traumatized that they are afraid of change, and afraid to face and do the hard work necessary to learn new coping skills and new ways of living. It’s too much fear of leaving their comfort zone that has worked so well for so long for them.
But it’s not healthy to keep using these mechanisms after the trauma has passed and may very well harm future relationships and prevent moving forward and living a better life.
You can’t change other people, you can only change yourself. You can love, encourage, guide, and support other people but ultimately they need to decide for themselves what they want out of life and what they are willing to do to get it. Do they want to live the same way or do they want to grow, change, relearn, live a better life, a better present, a better future?
For me~ I want to grow. I want to learn. I want peace, love, and happiness in my life. I want to live my best life in all areas and in all ways. But some people aren’t willing to change or grow. Some people are just toxic and don’t see a problem with their behavior and how they live. But that’s their choice and not your problem.
So learn not to take it personally. Give grace and forgiveness and understanding whenever possible but then move forward even if that means letting go of people you thought would be in your life forever. We all have the ability to offer acceptance to everyone and to where they are in their journey, and we all have the ability to offer encouragement and support as much as it is healthy for ourselves to do so, but ultimately people have to make their own choices and live their lives as they decide they need to. And we have to accept this even if it means that they no longer fit in our lives.
You’re allowed to change your mind about the people and things you want in your life. You’re allowed to adjust your values and preferences as you get older and wiser. This is your life and you only get one shot at it! Make it the best one possible!
